Teenage years are times when adolescents are experiencing great changes. They are likely to explore and establish a sense of identity and seek freedom or independence from the family. It is a time to expand their horizons through new interests and additional friends and relations outside the family unit. This is not only typical of adopted children, as most adolescents go through this stage.
For adopted adolescents, however, the search for an identity is more complicated. This is a time when, consciously or unconsciously, adopted adolescents assess their biological and psychological bonds and try to achieve an identity that is a combination of both. They may want to find out more about their birth parents or even want to look them up. They may wonder where or whom they have obtained their particular characteristics, talents, facial features from or if they have any biological siblings. Their struggles to form an identity may feel overwhelming and may lead to behavioural problems.
Just like any other adolescent, adopted children may "test" the adoptive parents through their behaviour - going against house rules or behaving in ways that are unacceptable to the family in an attempt to test the boundaries of the adoptive parents' love for them. They may be very critical of their adoptive parents as they struggle with conflicting feelings or may withdraw more into themselves.
So how do you deal with this? Adoptive parents should not react to this as abandonment or rejection. They should recognise their adolescent's interest in his/her birth family as a natural developmental step and not as a threat to the bond and relationship built up over the years.
Acknowledging these difficulties and issues with open discussion and communication and having realistic expectations of their adolescent would help adoptive parents to understand the adolescent.
Adoption is an undeniable part of a teen's history and should not be ignored. Essentially, with parental guidance, understanding and love, these issues can be successfully confronted and resolved.
Key Issues
Identity Formation
Adopted teenagers may need extra support in dealing with issues such as identity formation, fear of rejection and abandonment, issues of control and autonomy, the sense of not belonging, and heightened curiosity about the past.
Identity issues can be confusing for adopted teens because they have two sets of parents and not knowing about their birthparents can make them question who they really are.
Issues of Control
The tension between parents who do not want to give up control and the teenager who wants independence is the hallmark of adolescence. If adoptive parents tighten the reins when their teenagers want more freedom, it can adversely affect the trust level between them and their teens.
Parents and teens can work together to identify options for building trust in important areas such as schoolwork, chores, choice of friends, choice of leisure time activities, and curfew to minimise power struggles and to facilitate the establishment of healthy boundaries.
Parents and their teen can determine what privileges or consequences will be earned if the teen either demonstrates or does not demonstrate the behaviour in an identified time frame.
The Feeling of Not Belonging
This feeling of being different often begins with their physical appearance. Teens who have been adopted into a family of a different race (transracial adoption) often feel more alienated from their families than they did when they were younger. They become highly conscious of the obvious physical differences between themselves and their families, and they struggle to integrate their cultural backgrounds into their perceptions of who they are.
Adoptive parents can help transracially adopted teens by making sure that the family frequently associates with other adults and children of the same ethnic background as their teen. They should celebrate their own and their teen's culture as a part of daily life and point out any similarities that exist between the adopted teen and family members.
The Need to Connect with the Past
As adopted teens mature, they think more about how their lives would have been different if they had not been adopted or if they had been adopted by another family.
For some, the feelings of loss and abandonment cause them to think and want more information about their birth families. Sometimes they may seek information about their medical history and some may even want to search for and make direct contact with their birthparents. However, this does not mean that they are rejecting their adoptive family.
When Children are Adopted at an Older Age
Children adopted at an older age could have endured abuse or neglect, lived in several foster homes, or moved from relative-to-relative before finding a permanent family. Their sense of loss and rejection may be intense, they may feel that they had somehow contributed to the situation and they may suffer from low self-esteem or have severe emotional and behavioural difficulties.
Older children bring with them memories of times before joining the adoptive family. It is important for them to be allowed to acknowledge those memories and talk about them. Parents and their adopted teens may require professional guidance at some point, to help them create and maintain healthy family relationships.
Attention: Your Teen May Be Struggling With Adoption Issues:
Adoptive parents should be sensitive to the issues faced by their teens. The following behaviours may indicate that an adopted teen is having some difficulties coping with adoption:
- Comments about being treated unfairly compared to the family's birth children (if any);
- They may shut down emotionally and refuse to share feelings; or
- They may have a sudden preoccupation with the unknown.
If the adoptive parents are able to communicate openly with the teenager, they may be able to deal with these issues without professional help. Adoptive parents can educate themselves through books, adoption workshops or seminars or join an adoptive parent support group, which can be a valuable resource for families.
Adoptive parents who recognise that their children have two sets of parents and who do not feel threatened by that fact are more likely to establish a more positive environment for their teens. Indeed, when there is support and understanding from the adoptive parents and freedom to discuss adoption issues, the adopted children can forge even stronger family bonds that will continue to nurture their future relationships.
For more information about Teens and Parenting Adolescents, please refer to our Experience Youth section on the site.