Babies & Toddlers
School-going Children

Babies and Toddlers

Studies have revealed that babies prefer looking and connecting with human faces rather than objects - and this is true for adopted as well as biological children.

A baby also seeks to connect through communication, and over time learns that when he cries, his expressed needs will be satisfied. Attachment and communication between the adoptive parents and the child is not just a single event, but is an ongoing process. A child may look to his/her Dad or Mom for comfort, may express happiness when he or she returns, sadness when they separate, and pleasure in one another's company. When parents are attuned to their child, they are able to read their child's behavioural cues and respond appropriately. Attunement is a result of patience, practice and getting to know the child. Attunement with a toddler might include knowing when he/she needs quiet time, a snack or a change in activity. As parents learn to understand what a certain cry or behaviour means, they can address these needs, both verbally and with actions and build trust between them and the child. The following can help to promote attachment:

• Limit the number of visitors and caregivers in the first month after the child is placed with the adoptive parents. This will enable the child to establish better bonding with the adoptive parents as compared to having multiple caregivers.
• Making and maintaining eye contact with the child while feeding, talking and playing with him/her.
• Hugging, carrying and holding hands with the child. Initially, some children may not be comfortable with physical contact.
• Reading simple story or picture books promotes closeness with the child.

Building relationships take patience, practice and getting to know the child. Children blossom in a supportive environment, so remember to speak and act positively in the presence of the child.

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School-Going Children

From the ages of 7 to 12, a child's social world expands beyond just family members and friends. They interact with more people and may be influenced by them. At this age a child will interact with more people and may be influenced by their thoughts and actions.

They also become increasingly capable of understanding the concept of being adopted. As young as age 3, they may start to ask, "Why did my birth mother give me away?" The people whom they meet may not be sensitive in their use of language and the adopted child may feel hurt or confused in the process. At times, they may have questions about their birth parents and the adoptive parents can let them know that they are not alone with these feelings and that it is appropriate for them to express such feelings. 
 
Adopted children may also compare themselves unfavourably to children who are not adopted. While "testing" limits is something that occurs throughout the development of a child, adopted children who feel they might have already been "abandoned" by their birth parents may feel a greater need to test the love and support of adoptive parents. Hence, they may be rude to adoptive parents or reject them.

However, the adoptive parents should also set limits as to how the child chooses to react to his or her feelings. For example, should the child, after a fight with his or her parents, want to run off and look for his or her birth parents, the parents should guide and instruct the child in a non-antagonistic way. Ways to deal with this situation should be planned before they arise. This process is transient in most cases, but if not handled properly, could jeopardise the relationship between the child and the adoptive parents.

In essence, attachment is a life-long process that can shift and change over time. Adoptive parents are encouraged to be patient and creative during the initial phase of parenthood and to remain optimistic to the changes that can happen in the relationship.

If the child is suffering from grief and confusion and the adoptive parents are unable to address the child's concerns fully, it would be advisable for the adoptive parents to seek professional help. They can do so by attending parenting classes or counselling sessions with the child. Adoptive parents can approach the various Family Service Centres for assistance and information.

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