Bond with your child

Every parent can enjoy a close relationship with his child. It is never too late to start.

Parent-child communication

• Talk with your child, instead of talking at or about your child.
• Bring yourself to his level.
• Ask him and listen if you want to understand what he is thinking or feeling.
• Don't pass judgment on what he tells you.
• Acknowledge his ideas and feelings even if you disagree with him.
• Share with him your opinions and feelings.

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Situations where communicating with your child may get difficult

• When your child is extremely angry

    - Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths to settle down your own emotions.
    - Protect yourself from getting hurt and valuable items from being damaged by him. You can hug him closely or keep a short distance from him so that he cannot harm you.
   - Ask him what he is angry about. He must have his reasons for his anger.
   - If he is angry at something you did, explain to him the reasons for your actions. Be careful not to explain to him so much that, rather than calming him down, it agitates both you and your child further.

• When your child keeps crying and cannot talk clearly 

   - Stay calm and take a few deep breaths. Be patient. He may take some time to calm down
   - Make sure he is safe, e.g. if he was cut, clean the wound first.
   - Look into his eyes steadily and lovingly.
   - Touch or hold him gently.
   - Ask him gently to tell you the problem.
   - Assure him that no matter what happened in the past, he is safe and all right with you now.
   - Ask him now and then whether he wants to do something else that is calming or pleasant.

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Roadblocks to effective communication

• Being prejudiced
Example: "Shame on you! Boys should not cry."

• Letting your emotions interfere with your listening.
Example: You have a row with a colleague at work before you leave the office for home. When your child approaches you for something, you lose your temper and shout "Why is everybody making demands on me? Stop bothering me. I have had enough!"

• Belittling their concerns or problems.
Example: "Don't be silly, that's nothing".

• Stopping them from expressing themselves.
Example: "Alright, enough is said. Now go to your room and finish your homework. I don't want to hear anymore."

• Criticising children all the time.
Example: "This is such an ugly picture. Why can't you draw better?"

• Being impatient with their language difficulties.
Example: "John, hurry up. You are always speaking so slowly!"

• Forgetting what they tell you.
Example: "Did you tell me you are going to swim this afternoon? I don't remember you saying that. Now you are wasting my time because I have to make a special trip to fetch you."

• Being preoccupied with things when they talk to you.
Example: Engaging in your favourite TV show while your child is talking to you. "This show is so funny. Ha ha ha…what were you saying, Jane?"

• Making assumptions before listening to what they want to tell you.
Example "I know you have been naughty in school. That's why your teacher wants to see me, right?"

• Having all the answers.
Example: "Let me tell you the answer. This is the right answer. I know the best way of doing this."

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Praise your child

• Praise your child when he does something well, achieve good results, for improvements made or behaviours that you want to see again.

• Your praises must be sincere. Don't include criticisms in them.

• Take time to describe to your child what you like about his work or behaviour.

Example: Instead of just saying "Good girl", say "I am happy that you have tidied up your room. It looks very neat."

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Put aside time for your child

• Put aside time for your child every day. Make other arrangements if you can't. Example: Call him from work for a five-minute chat to show that you are thinking of him. If you are unable to be with him for dinner, have dessert together later in the night.

• When you are with your child, be completely involved. Put aside your household chores, newspapers or worries during this time.

• Once in a while, take an entire day or half day off your busy schedule to do something special with your child. Choose something that you and your child will enjoy and that is not an everyday activity. Example: Taking a walk in the nature reserve.

• Let your child know that you enjoy being with him. This will draw both of you closer.

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Play with your child

• Playing does not necessarily require expensive toys. Think of the childhood games you enjoyed and teach your child how to play them.

• The time you've spent with your child gives him the opportunity to build a positive and healthy relationship with you. This relationship will develop as your child matures.

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Pay attention to your child's feelings

• The experiences that your child has everyday generate a whole range of feelings in him. To understand him, you should find out about his experiences and pay attention to his feelings, both positive and negative, towards these experiences.

• You should also listen to him and talk to him about his feelings. For example, say "From what you've told me, it sounds like you're angry with John for talking behind your back". Give him a chance to clarify his feelings.

• By paying attention to and talking about his feelings, you are sending your child the message that you really want to understand him.

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Promote your child's independence

• Give your child the freedom to explore the world as appropriate for his age, like allowing him to go to the park with his friends under supervision.

If your child is a teenager, allow him more freedom if he has proven to be trustworthy, but keep track of his whereabouts, what he does and who he is with.

• By giving your child due freedom and providing security at home, you are bridging the gap between you and your child.

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Problem-solving with your child

When your child encounters problems, you don't need to provide the solution all the time by telling him what he should do. You shouldn't leave him to deal with the problem all by himself either. Instead, you should:
• be his partner in problem-solving.
• listen and understand the situation.
• find out how he thinks or feels about it and what he can do.
• provide other options if you can.
• help him think of possible consequences to each option.
• decide on the best solution together, as parent and child.

Problem-solving with your child not only teaches him an important life skill, it also develops a strong bond between parent and child as you conquer each problem together.

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