|
| | | | |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
By Sim Ngee Mong
Many parents feel exasperated when their children habitually disobey, tell lies, refuse to do homework, dawdle with food or keep their rooms untidy. In dealing with these kinds of problems say they have tried everything (or so they believe) but their little leopard just will not change his spots!
Parents who try to come to grips with discipline problems in a knowledgeable way often speak of having tried the “soft” and “hard” approaches. A common complaint, however, is that with both these approaches, a child “is good only for a short while, reverting to his old behaviour within a few days”. Just what are these soft and hard approaches?
The Soft Approach
The Hard Approach
Do The Soft & Hard Approaches Work?
Why Do Parents Continue With the Soft & Hard Approaches?
Examining Yourself
Ignoring Harmless Behaviour
Time-out
Removal of Privileges
Use Of Alternatives
Rules & Consequences
Spending Time With Your Children
When Spanking Your Child Is A Clear Choice
The soft approach
The soft approach involves pleasant interaction between parents and children, with the emphasis on explanation, reasoning and motivation. Parents speak nicely, telling their child what they expect in terms of behaviour and why. For example, they say, “You must finish your homework every day and study hard; otherwise you will find it difficult to get a job when you grow up.” Apart from appealing to reason, parents may also try highlighting the moral aspects of good behaviour, pointing out, for instance, that it is wrong to tell lies. Sometimes there is also the occasional promise of a reward: “If you pass your spelling test, I will buy you a toy.”
Top
The hard approach
On the other hand, the hard approach involves scolding, threatening, spanking and other punitive measures. Some ‘no-nonsense’ parents have even, in this context, been known to discourage lying in their children by making them eat hot chilly peppers.
Top
Do the soft and hard approaches work?
If these methods of discipline work why are parents still experiencing frustration? The answer is that these methods do work, but only in the short term.
Let me illustrate this with the following example.
Four-year old Jennifer often hits her three-month old brother, Ben, and makes noise while he is sleeping. On one occasion, Jennifer began hitting the table with a ruler after her mother had put Ben to sleep and gone to the kitchen, although earlier she has been playing quietly on her own. Her mother came out to explain to her why she should be quiet.
Reasoning (i.e. the soft approach) only managed to quieten Jennifer for the moment. Her mother did not realise that now Jennifer had learned that, to get her mother’s attention, she must either make noise or bother Ben.
Let us look at Jennifer’s case again in the context of rewards.
Mother promises to take Jennifer weekend shopping to stop her from hitting Ben. Jennifer behaves herself for the next two days but on the third day she forgets and hits Ben again. Jennifer does not receive her reward and her mother concludes that rewards do not work.
Basically, the soft approach involves reasoning, with the occasional promise of a reward. The results, as illustrated, tend to be short-lived.
The hard approach in the form of punishments will also work only in the short term, as demonstrated again in Jennifer’s case.
Jennifer’s mother started to spank her whenever she bothered Ben. Jennifer stopped hitting Ben for a while but she soon learned that she could get away with her misbehaviour if she did it in her mother’s absence.
Spanking usually produces immediate results but when done frequently, the child becomes ‘immune’ to it and it loses its effect as a discipline tool. But spanking also poses a great danger because it may make a child learn aggression and he may, in turn, become violent towards siblings and friends. Spanking also has negative effects on parents since many tend to feel guilty after spanking a child.
A child who is treated roughly may also learn to be rude: “If Mother can raise her voice at me, why can’t I do the same to her?”
Top
Why do parents continue with the soft and hard approaches?
Although these approaches are only temporarily effective, many parents continue to use them for several reasons, for example:
• they have become conditioned to immediate results;
• they are overprotective and unrealistic in their expectations of their child, and think that all imperfection must be corrected with a cane so that their child will not veer onto the wrong path; and
• they have either run out of disciplinary methods or have not considered other methods.
Parents must realise that there are other approaches which are just as effective, of not more, as indicated below.
Top
Examining yourself.
Soul searching should be your first step. Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic (be honest – the answer at times is no). Parents also need to understand a few facts, for instance: most children do not like vegetables and are jealous of their younger siblings; children also have smaller appetites (so parents should give up the idea of moulding a body-builder through protein-rich diets!); and they cannot be neat and tidy in everything they do (though they can be taught to clean up any mess that they have made).
Top
Ignoring harmless behaviour
Behaviour which does not adversely affect anyone should be ignored. Examples include refusal to eat, and attention-seeking whining, tantrums and clowning. Children will quickly give up such behaviour when they learn that you are not bothered by it.
Top
Time-out.
Making your child sit in a corner or room without toys for five to ten minutes is a good alternative to spanking. Isolation from activities that a child enjoys can be very effective in bringing about the desired behaviour. You will need to tell your child ahead of time that such punishment will be meted out for misbehaviour. Should a child prove defiant and refuse to accept time-out for misbehaviour you might want to consider a spanking (indicating thereby that you have already provided an option for escaping that painful alternative).
Top
Removal of privileges
This is more effective for older children as they would be more aware of their privileges, which would include TV time, extra allowance, weekend outings with friends and the use of the telephone.
Top
Use of alternatives.
Be wise as a parent and avoid a clash of wills in a situation in which you think your child will prove resistant, stubborn and defiant and simply refuse to obey any direct orders from you. This is the time to take an alternative route in order to defuse the tension. For example, instead of telling a child not to touch something, provide a choice of something else to do. In making a request to clean the table, ask the child to choose a specific task like removing the dishes or wiping the table. The idea here is to provide your child with alternatives that are acceptable to you.
Top
Rules and consequences
Setting firm rules and stating clearly the consequences for default is probably the most effective disciplinary method that parents can use. Parents often make the mistake of stating only their expectations, but not the consequences that would follow if a child should refuse to heed their advice or instructions. They say, for example, “You better do your homework,” without specifying what a child should expect if the homework is not done. It is more helpful to say instead, “You can watch TV only after I see your completed homework.”
The clear statement of consequences is most effective when it is related to behaviour:
“If your continue to fight over the toy, I will take it away from you.”
“If you don’t put your toys away now, I will put them in the cupboard and you won’t be able to plat with them again today.”
“If you don’t want to eat this, you will not have anything to eat again until dinner time.”
Top
|
Spending time with children.
Children often misbehave simply because they want attention from their parents. By setting aside regular time for each child, you can safely ignore inappropriate or harmless behaviour without fearing that your child will be emotionally deprived.
Top
When spanking your child is a clear choice
The availability of so many options for disciplining your child does not mean that you should do away with spanking completely. Parents should always talk and reason with a child first, but this mildness must always be backed up by firm rules, with the child being made aware of the immediate consequences for errant behaviour. Spanking should be used only as a last resort when other methods fail. But when children openly and willfully challenge your authority, spanking remains a clear choice to underscore the parameters of parental discipline.
Top
Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 3/96
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|