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By Sim Ngee Mong
Will my child grow up to be an honest humble and caring person?
Will he be a loving parent to his children?
Will he be filial to us?…….
These are questions that parents frequently ask themselves, the answers to which lie in the upbringing of their children. Building up a child’s character requires the inculcation of the right values and attitudes in him from an early age. This is not as easy a task as many parents make out to be. Many parents believe that children can be taught values merely by telling them right from wrong and why this is so, and punishing them if they err. These are the traditional methods of teaching children values. Many parents are not aware that values can be imparted to children through other means which can be more effective than the traditional methods. In this article, we will take a look at some more effective parenting methods.
How To Teach Values
Modelling
Story Telling
Role Playing & Role Reversal
Activities
Discussions
Why New Parenting Methods Are Needed
How To Teach Values
When teaching values, timing is an important consideration. Situations in which emotions are high, as in the case when either the child or parent is angry, are not conducive to learning. An appropriate time to teach values is during an informal situation when both parties are relaxed or when witnessing an incident where a value can be taught.
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Modelling
Since children learn by example, one of the most effective means of imparting values is for parents to model these values themselves. This means setting the right examples for children to follow. Many a time parents set negative examples unknowingly. Here are some examples….
• Children are taught to be polite and respectful of their elders.
Yet when children misbehave, many parents react by scolding their children with raised voices, and may even use sarcastic remarks and words like “stupid" and “stubborn" that can destroy children’s self-esteem. Children soon learn that this is an appropriate way to express their anger towards others.
• Parents teach their children humility, courage and forgiveness.
But many parents do not see the need to apologise to their children when they have wronged them. In such instances, children cannot learn to forgive because they have not been given the opportunity to forgive others. Hearing their parents complain “How many times have I told you to….” may even result in children learning to bear grudges.
Modelling is most effective when
• The role model is a person who has the respect and admiration of the child.
A child is more likely to imitate the actions of such a person. Our modelling effect, therefore, has the greatest influence when the child is young. At this age, his parents are most important people in his life. As he reaches his teenage years, his friends, and pop and TV stars begin to have greater influence over him.
• Rewards are given for good behaviour.
A child who is rewarded for good behaviour will be more likely to repeat the rewarded action. Rewards are an important part of teaching. They need not be material rewards. praise or a simple “Thank You” can go a long way.
• The child is asked to imitate a behaviour soon after it has been modelled for him.
An example of how this can be done is to demonstrate to the child a kind act towards another person, and explain why the deed is necessary and the good that it brings to others. The child can then be asked to act out the deed in another situation.
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Story Telling
Telling stories or reading books is a good and indirect way of imparting values to children. Many of the classic tales have a moral to the story. “Pinocchio” and “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” teach children about honesty. Nowadays such books may be difficult to come by. The library, however, carries such books and many others that help to teach children values.
When telling stories or reading books to a child,
• Choose an appropriate time when the child is receptive to stories
• Use stories to appreciate a value rather than to correct a misbehaviour.
An older child who senses that his parent’s motive is to correct his misbehaviour may not be receptive to the story or may even give a different interpretation of the story.
• Ask appropriate questions such as:
What if something else happened?
How do the different characters feel?
If a wrong was done, how could it have been prevented?
How would you have done it differently?
What can we be thankful for?
As an alternative to story telling, parents can also teach from educational books. Although a wide range of “How To Teach Your Child….” books are available on the market, parents will still need to find books that promote values that they are comfortable with.
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Role Playing and Role Reversal
Role playing involves the child acting out a situation as himself. Role reversal, on the other hand, requires the child to play someone else’s role and the parent to play the child’s role. These methods are very effective in teaching children values. As a situation is acted out, the child has first hand experience of what is going on and has the opportunity to make changes to his behaviour. A good situation to act out would be a conflict situation with another person. Many issues can be raised and acted out…
How to resolve conflicts and solve problems?
How to be fair?
How to be humble and apologise for one’s mistakes?
How to respect others?
How to show love, care and concern for others?
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Activities
Activities can be used to inculcate positive values in children. These would include:
• A regular routine for young children. T
his will get children into the habit of doing the right things at the right time, and help them develop a sense of responsibility and discipline. Charts and posters can be put up to remind and motivate children to carry out their duties.
• A set of regular chores.
Assignment of chores can start from as early as the age of two. A two-year old child can actually be taught to put away his toys after playing with them. By the time the child reaches primary school, he ought to be able to put away his clothes and shoes, clear his plates and tidy his room. If there is a maid at home, the maid should not do everything for the child. A child who is not given the basic responsibilities like putting way his things, will usually find it difficult to be responsible where homework is concerned.
• Projects to help the less fortunate.
Saving money or collecting old clothings for the need or planning a good deed for someone are activities that teach sensitivity, and care and concern for others.
• Games.
These should be utilised in teaching values since children love to play games. In playing games, children learn to observe rules, make decisions, win and lose graciously, and develop a sense of fair play. Some board games like monopoly even require children to budget and save.
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Discussions
With older children, discussions are helpful. Parents can set aside time to discuss with their children “good” and “bad” values. Parents should avoid doing all the talking. Instead, they should encourage their children to actively participate in the discussions by giving examples of “good” and “bad” values, and how the “good” values can be put into pratice.
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Why New Parenting Methods Are Needed
Some of you may be questioning the necessity for new parenting methods. “If the traditional methods of teaching children values were good enough for my parents, why aren’t they good enough for my children?” But life was different then. Life is more hectic now. Most parents today are both working, and have to juggle with work and family life. Today’s parents need to work smartly which means learning new and effective parenting skills. Do give the parenting methods that I’ve described a try! You’ll be surprised by the results.
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Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 2/95
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