Stop, Think and Do Parenting²

Using the traffic lights as an analogy, this set of parenting tools is designed based on the three-colour code . The steps involved are:

RED Light - STOP

• Look and listen - stop yourself from reacting impulsively
• Stop yourself from communicating feelings the wrong way.

YELLOW Light - THINK

• Think of several possible solutions
• Consider likely consequences of solutions

GREEN Light - DO

• Choose a solution - agree on the best solution to DO
• Act - do the plan of action and follow it up

Applying Stop, Think and Do

1. How to STOP?

When you are used to reacting quickly…

• Physically take a step backwards from the problem situation (unless someone is in immediate danger).
• Count to 5 and ask yourself to calm down.
• Don't make assumptions or guess why it is happening.
• Don't shout or yell at your child.
• Use only eyes and ears at this stage to observe what is actually taking place. Get a clear picture of what your child is actually doing or saying.

2. How to THINK?

When you are so used to solve the problems for your child...

• If you communicate well with your child, he will take the initiative to resolve the problems.
• Face your child and start the brainstorming exercise with him.
• Listen attentively to your child's ideas.
• Don't criticise, ridicule or judge any suggestion.
• Offer your ideas as alternative suggestions.
• Encourage as many solutions as possible and write them down if necessary.
• If the situation is urgent, raise the issue later to consider other possibilities.
• Once ideas have been generated, consider the likely consequences of each suggestion.
• Restate the suggestion and ask your child what he thinks of the likely consequence.
• Listen tentatively to his feelings.
• Express your feelings about the consequences using "I" messages.

3. How to DO?

• Decide what the feeling is about the problem.
• Approach your child face to face. With younger children, use physical cues to gain attention.
• State the feeling and problem clearly using "I"-messages.
• Repeat the message if your child ignores or fails to respond.
• Show appreciation to your child if he responds and proceed to resolve the issue.

²By Lindy Paterson. This method, which has been used widely in schools and homes, can be applied to help improving relationships between parents and their children as well as children and their peers.