Evaluating Your Support Network

• Identify the people and the ways they can help you and your family.
• Discuss any concerns. For instance, if the baby’s grandparents are called to help, you may find yourself becoming more stressed because of the differing views and styles of doing things.

On the other hand, if you engage a “confinement lady”, that means additional costs. If you encounter problems in breastfeeding, who can
you turn to for advice or emotional support?

• Create a Help List. Make a list of the people and their contact numbers after you have solicited their help. Put the list where it is visible and easily accessible.

What if things go wrong?

• Although it is unpleasant to dwell on the negative things, it is
  
  important to consider what you will do if complications develop in the pregnancy, for instance, if the baby is premature or has health problems, which require hospitalisation.
• If you do not think through the scenarios, you may be blindsided if
  they occur. Work with your spouse to develop a contingency plan.

Working As A Team

• Taking care of a newborn is labour intensive. As new parents, you need to support each other in your new roles. For fathers, do not hold your wife up as the expert. Baby care and parenting is a matter of trial and error. You will improve with more hands-on practice and patience. Do not compare yourself or your wife with other fathers or mothers and how they are doing. This will only lead to accusations or self-criticisms.
• Work as a team so that you can provide the best for your baby.

Your Support Network

Support can come from family members and those outside the immediate family circle.

Support within the family
Your support network in this category includes your spouse, your baby’s grandparents, other relatives such as aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings.

This group is your first fallback in times of need.

The type of support rendered can be practical such as baby-sitting, financial, running errands and emotional, such as caring and listening.

Support outside the family
The support in this category includes a personal network of friends, neighbours, coworkers, your maid, your baby’s paediatrician, and caregiver, professional organisations and community groups.

They can give practical help, for instance, baby-sitting and help with housework. Or, you can tap on them for emotional support, for instance, caring, sharing ideas, providing suggestions, advice and facilitating referral other sources of support.

Parents and Grandparents
The issue of caring for children is perhaps the greatest area of potential conflict between parents and grandparents. This is even more so in cases where the child’s parents are working and the primary caregiver is the grandparent. Grandparents have their own views and attitudes towards childcare. It is possible to maintain a good and harmonious relationship with your children’s grandparents. Here is the ‘A’ list on how to get along:

• Accept them: Treat your in-laws (especially your mother-in-law) as a member of the family and give them as much respect as you would give your own family members.
• Appreciate their intentions: Recognise that their intentions are good although their ways of doing things may be unacceptable to you. Grant them the right to be involved with their grandchildren.
• Accept advice: Accept the advice they give graciously. If it is helpful, act on it. If not, discard it.
• Adopt tolerance: Have a tolerant, tactful and forgiving attitude.
• Act dumb: Turn a deaf ear to comments that are negative or critical.
• Appreciate their help: Do not treat your in-laws like babysitters or maids if they are looking after your baby.
• Attack problems: Address the problem, avoid criticising the person. Focus on the issue at hand and do not turn it into a personal attack.
• Assure them: Tell them that you are not rejecting them even though you want to do things your own way.
• Adulate them: Shower them with gifts or acts of kindnesses to express your gratitude for their help, for instance, bring them out for a meal.
• Acknowledge anger: Know when you are emotionally charged up and withdraw from an argument. It is for everyone’s benefit. Do not wait until you are on the brink of a breakdown to seek help. Contact the Family Services Centres (FSCs) at 1800-8380100 or click here for a listing.