Communication

Communication is a vital feature of the marital relationship that is often mentioned as a major problem for couples. It is therefore important for you to:
- Understand your views about communication
- Be aware of communication patterns
- Discover ways to enhance communication in your marriage

Effective communication
Gender Differences in communication
Resolving conflicts in marriage
Rules for disagreements

Effective communication

What are your ideas about communication? Communication is more than just conversation. It includes the way in which couples talk to each other. It has to do with how you and your spouse communicate without words and the manner in which conversations are carried out.


Other than words, couples also communicate through actions, body language and by the tone and volume of their voices to indicate feelings. Even silence can communicate displeasure and the desire to be left alone.

What are your ideas about communication?

top

Gender differences in communication

Men and women communicate differently. They may not talk about similar things and may not talk in the same manner. Understanding these differences will help you communicate better with your spouse.

Q. What are the subjects you enjoy talking about with your friends?

In the list below, choose your three most favourite subjects of conversation and three that you think your partner would enjoy talking about.

Work	Movies & Music	Cars	Shopping	Politics
Current affairs	Women	Who's who	Books	Beauty & Health care
Fashion	Computers	Family Matters	Stock market	Food
Projects	Trips & Holidays	Relationship issues	Ideas	Friends & Colleagues
Personal matters	Money-making	Sports	Leisure activities	Religion

Men generally tend to avoid personal topics in conversations while women tend to focus on personal and emotional aspects of life.

Tips for effective communication between couples:

- It is normal for you and your spouse not to spend many hours talking to each other. But when you do talk, listen attentively to what is being said.

- Spend time together, even if there isn’t much talking. “Being with” and “doing with” are also forms of communication.

- Acknowledge the presence of each other after time apart. Small ways of validating one another can go a long way.

- Involve friends in conversations with your spouse. This broadens the scope of the conversation.

- Be creative and flexible in exploring different ways of communicating both verbally and non-verbally. For e.g., you can develop your own little signals and cues that mean certain things.

- If you have nothing nice or constructive to say, do not say anything. It takes at least five positive statements to undo a negative one.

- Own your messages by making “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For instance, “I would like to help with the dishes” instead of “ You never help with the dishes, why?”

LISTEN

Learn to check/ reflect on feelings expressed by your partner Indulge in regular routine conversation Spend time to communicate Talk about topics that are mutually satisfying Explore flexible and creative ways of communication Nurture a wider scope of conversation and the places where it can take place

Since every couple is made up of unique personalities, you and your spouse should discover your own style of communication and not compare yourselves with other couples.

Silence is NOT Golden

top

Resolving conflicts in marriage

Conflict is part of every marriage. Even in the most ideal marriage, periods of discord are inevitable. The most important thing about marital conflicts is not how to avoid them, but how to manage them.

Couples are encouraged to learn and practice conflict resolution skills. At first it may seem awkward and unnatural, but once the couple becomes efficient at it, they often find the process rewarding. 

10 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Set a time and place for discussion

- Schedule a time suitable for both of you.
- Arrange a place that both of you will feel comfortable and will not be interrupted

2. Notice the symptoms

- Look out for signals that "something is wrong" ~ Is there tension between you? Are you distancing from each other? Is one of you feeling hurt or more irritable than the usual? If so, there is probably a conflict that needs to be resolved.

3. Clarify the problem or issue of disagreement

- Select and discuss only one issue at a time. Trying to resolve more than one conflict at a time can be overwhelming and will create feelings of frustration.

4. Acknowledge your role in having created and maintained the problem.
- Accept responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict. This helps to decrease defensiveness. Problems between two people usually involve both partners in some way.

5. List past attempts that failed to resolve the issue.

- This will allow you to realize that you have made efforts to resolve the conflict in the past, and to avoid potential solutions that have proven unsuccessful.

6. Brainstorm possible solutions

- Use your creativity to come up with as many solutions as possible without being either judgmental or critical.

7. Discuss the pros and cons of proposed solutions

- For each proposed solution, list the appropriateness, your ability to implement it as well as the constraints.
- Discuss all the solutions, even though some may seem to be better than others.

8. Agree on one solution to try out

- Between both of you, arrive at a consensus as to which solution will work the best.
- Remember that the solution agreed upon is not always the first choice of either partner. Compromise is crucial to arrive at a workable solution.
- Both partners need to identify specifically what each of them will do in carrying out the solution.
- Be specific and focus on observable behaviours. For example, "I will give you a call when I can't be home by 7 o'clock".

9. Evaluate progress and feasibility of solution adopted

- The next meeting should be reasonably soon (e.g. one week later). Use the meeting to discuss how successful the solution is. Ask yourself questions like "Is it working?". If it is not working, go back to clarify the issue or brainstorm solutions.

10. Celebrate and reward each other for the efforts put in to resolve the issue

- Share your observation of how your partner has positively contributed to resolving the conflict.
- Praise your partner for his/her effort.

top

 
Rules for Disagreements

1. No Criticism

2. No name-calling or labeling

3. Stick to the subject
- Don't raise other issues to prove a point

4. Avoid absolutes like "you always", "you never" or "every time"

5. Agree to disagree
- Differences are not an obstacle to being intimate, but how you handle the differences can be.

6. Remember to love
- The person you are having conflicts with is not your enemy. He/she is the person whom you love and chose to marry.

7. Know when to stop
- When all you want to do is hurt your partner, or when one or both of you are out of control, it is time to stop the argument. Arrange for another time to resolve the issue.

8. When you find yourselves stuck in repetitive negative cycles of interactions, it is better to seek professional help
- Don't wait till the problem gets too big to handle.

9. Settle any argument before going to bed
- If it is impossible to do so, schedule another time and place to resolve the issue.

One of the hallmarks of a successful relationship is the ability to resolve conflicts effectively and in a way that is satisfactory to both partners. Many couples report that working successfully together in resolving conflicts brings them closer and create warm loving feelings. Try to practice all the steps and rules mentioned, and let conflicts bring the two of you closer, not further apart.