Family Relationships
We all have certain ideas of what roles and responsibilities a husband and wife should take in a marriage. These ideas are influenced by:
- Our parents
- Our culture
- Our race
- Our society
Traditionally, there are some basic roles that married men and women are expected to fulfill. But with the rapid changes that we are experiencing in the modern world, you and your spouse should clarify what you expect from each other and develop your own style of working together.
Role expectations
Roles of a husband\wife
Role sharing
Some guidelines for shared responsibility
Relating to your in-laws
Learning about your new family
Excluding in-laws from certain aspects of your life
Your immediate family comes first
Role expectations
Q. What are some of your role expectations? Download this checklist, compare and discuss your ideas with your partner
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The husband should be the primary provider |
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The husband is to provide leadership and make major decisions |
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The wife should supervise the children’s schoolwork |
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The wife should be the primary childcare giver |
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The wife’s career and career satisfaction is as important as the husband’s |
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The wife should stay at home after giving birth |
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The husband needs to help with the heavy duty as well as electrical work around the house |
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The husband should guide the family’s faith and values |
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The wife should arrange for all contacts with her in-laws and parents |
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Even if she is working, the husband should still give an allowance to his wife |
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The wife should be in charge of organizing religious functions, socials and parties |
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The husband should help with the household chores |
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If a maid is employed, the wife should be the one to supervise her |
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The wife should always respond to the husband’s request for sex |
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The husband and wife should consult one another before making important decisions and plans |
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Roles of a husband/ Roles of a wife:
In the past, family roles were devised to meet the conditions of hunting and agricultural societies. Men and women had specific tasks then, resulting in a clear separation between men’s work and women’s work. In general, the men did physical labour while the women tended to housekeeping chores.
Today, it is common to find both husband and wife working outside the home. They jointly contribute to the family income and are more likely to live in nuclear families.
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Role sharing
This helps to strengthen the marital bond between you and your spouse. It is a concrete way of showing consideration, care and concern for each other.
What are the roles to be shared?
1. Income-earner role
Dual income households are common nowadays as the wife often has to earn a second income for the family to cope with the rising costs of living. Work is also a means for the women to reach her aspirations.
2. Childcare role
Men are just as capable as women when it comes to caring for children. Fathers who participate in the child’s upbringing develop a close and warm bond with the child. This participation also increases the father’s sense of usefulness and makes him feel good about himself. Most importantly, the child benefits most when both parents play active caring roles.
3. Domestic role
Having a home involves doing many household chores that are necessary to keep the home tidy. Just as their wives contribute to the income-earner role, husbands should be willing to contribute to the domestic role as well.
Here's a checklist to help you decide your domestic role. Download it here.
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Some guidelines for shared responsibility:
- Prioritise your duties and responsibilities based on your needs and capabilities. This helps you identify the really important matters in the family that require attention from you and your spouse.
- Determine who is available for the job. In many instances, getting the job done is more important than who does it.
- Where skills are important, the person with the best skills should perform the task.
- Practise a sense of fairness in job allocation and adopt a “give and take” attitude with your spouse when sharing responsibilities. Avoid overloading assignments, especially unpopular tasks, onto one person.
- Adopt a positive attitude towards conflicts between work and family life. Channel negative thinking and feelings into constructive problem-solving activities instead of blaming your partner or the work place.
- Encourage each other to practise time management so as to get through the day more efficiently.
- Improving each other’s awareness, interpersonal communication skills, problem-solving skills and other social skills can help to increase the effectiveness of shared responsibility.
Click here for some tips on Parenting Together
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Relating to your in-laws
Many couples often distance themselves from their parents as they begin their married lives together. This sudden change can cause tension and problems for all. That’s why you will need to continually put in effort to nurture a harmonious relationship with your in-laws.
Relating well to your in-laws is important because you will be spending a lot of time with them (if you are staying with them) or you will be visiting them regularly (if you are not staying with them). They will also be playing an important role in imparting values to your children.
With your in-laws playing such a prominent role in your married life, juggling the feelings of your spouse and your spouse’s family can be very delicate.
Tips on getting along with your in-laws:
- Make an effort to get to know more about your in-laws, their lifestyle, and what they consider to be acceptable behaviour.
- Stay in contact by visiting or calling them regularly. Gifts and outings are simple ways of showing your love and care for them.
- Don’t make denigrating statements about your in-laws, such as “You are just like your mother, so stingy!”
- Agree with your spouse on the amount (and limit) of time and money you give to each other’s parents. Reassess your agreement from time to time as the needs and abilities of your parents/ parents-in-laws change with age and circumstances.
- Treat each other’s parents as fairly as possible.
- Find mutually acceptable ways for each other’s parents to have time with your children.
- Avoid making your spouse choose between his/her family and yourself.
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Learning about your new family
Discover more about the person you have married and the family you have married into. Discuss the following with your spouse:
- What is the relationship between your spouse’s parents and yourself?
- What is your position in the sibling hierarchy?
- What are some of your privileges and responsibilities in your family?
- What are the similarities and differences between your family and your spouse’s?
- What qualities of your parents’ family do you want to bring into your new family?
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Excluding in-laws from certain aspects of your life
Discuss with your spouse ways to preserve the privacy of your marriage while maintaining close ties with the extended family.
Address concerns like the following:
- When do you and your spouse have ‘couple time’ together?
- When do you spend time with the extended family?
- When do you involve your in-laws in decision-making?
- Where should you talk out your marital conflicts: in the privacy of your bedroom or in front of your in-laws?
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Your immediate family comes first
By placing your spouse and your marriage above your parent’s family in terms of priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband and wife over your role as a child in your parent’s family. This builds your spouse’s confidence in the marriage and encourages him/her to help you in your efforts to maintain good family ties.
Let your parents know that you care, love and respect them. But at the same time, let them know you want to set the rules for your new family as well.
Click here to read more on how you can strengthen Family Relations before relating to your in-laws.
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