Relationship Development

To develop a meaningful relationship as a married couple, you need to know yourself as well as your partner in order for the both of you to learn to grow together.

Know yourself
Know your partner
Build your relationship
Understand Gender differences
Phases of a marital relationship


Know yourself

Steps to understanding and accepting yourself:

1. Self-reflection

- Identify your values and priorities.
- Identify your expectations and views.
- Recognise your skills and abilities.
- Recognise your likes and dislikes.
- Recognise your strengths and weaknesses.
- Recognise your preferences and prejudices.
- Identify the significant events that shape you.
- Identify the relationships that influence you.
- Identify what is important to you (e.g. ambition).
- What do you think of yourself?
- What do others think of you?


2. Self-disclosure

- Share your thoughts and feelings with others verbally.


3. Feedback from others

- Be open to what people say about you.
- Learn from mistakes and grow as a person.
- Be in touch with your feelings.

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Know your partner

Ways to know your partner better:

1. Observe your partner in different situations

Find opportunities for your partner to socialise with your family, friends and colleagues so you can learn his/her behaviour in different social contexts.

2. Observe how your partner handles stress

See how your partner reacts in the face of tough decisions and stress.

3. Develop opportunities for your partner to open up

Ask questions during conversations to help you understand him/ her better. (E.g. Ask your partner about his/her childhood, thoughts, opinions, on things, etc.)

4. Take an interest in your partner’s emotional & physical health

Find out how your partner is feeling and be sensitive to those feelings. Knowing about his/her interests, family and cultural background can help you understand more about his/her social and emotional condition and physical health.

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Build your relationship

When your martial relationship is developed to its full potential, it is immensely satisfying and enriching for both of you.

Ways to develop your relationship:

1. Building trust
Confide and share with each other your hopes and fears. This helps create and maintain an atmosphere of trust, love and sensitivity in which both of you can learn more about each other.

2. Sharing confidences
Sharing your inner thoughts and feelings with each other will bring your relationship beyond the superficial level. It will also help you be sensitive to the needs and aspirations of your partner.

3. Handling differences
Understand the differences between you and your partner and learn to accept them. You should also define your roles and expectations early so that conflicts won’t arise later on.

4. Resolving disagreements
Be constructive when you deal with disagreements and don’t put each other down. Try seeing the positive value of being different.

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Understand gender differences

Differences between men and women:

Men	Women
More rational	More emotional and temperamental
Use of language to express thoughts	Use of language to express feelings
Messages that were heard and received were transformed into information	Use of emotions to understand messages that were heard and received
Not so sensitive	More sensitive, to the extent of linking exterior matters to oneself
Is more independent	More dependent, require more assurance and sense of security
Viewing career as an extension of the personality	Viewing family as an extension of the personality
Remember important points and major issues	Remember little details, connecting and bringing out the important ones
Emphasis on principles in handling matters	Emphasis on feelings and mood in handling matters
Does not like to be involved in the mundane routines of household matters	Likes to be involved/ is concerned about husband’s career
Difficulty in displaying physical affection for wife	Pays more emphasis to husband’s show of physical affection and concern to herself
Relatively harder to express feelings through the use of language	Emphasis on using language or actions to express feelings
Stronger self-pride, relatively hardened	Strong self-pride as well, but soften easily
Find it harder to apologize	Find it easier to apologize upon recognizing one’s fault
Is analytical, but excitable at times too	Easily excitable and/or temperamental

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Phases of a marital relationship

The marital relationship goes through predictable phases. While not everyone goes through these phases and they may not flow from one to another, understanding them prepares you to adapt to the changes and keep the relationship going.

1. The honeymoon phase
This stage is marked by ecstasy, fun, excitement, romance, charm and a preoccupation with your spouse. It usually fades as the marriage progresses.

2. The disenchantment phase
As you struggle with your spouse to resolve the conflicts that come with living together as a married couple, there will be some loss of marital bliss. This usually occurs when bringing up young children who demand a lot of care, attention and adjustments.

3. The reality phase
Couples who reach this stage have more or less settled down in their role as parents. You will have learnt to work out problems and frustrations with your spouse and accepted mutual responsibility in the relationship.

4. The maturity phase
You will have adapted to your spouse and developed a good understanding of each other. Your children will likely be of school-going age and family relationships are quite stable.

5. The golden phase
You and your spouse are likely to be retired and your children should have left school at this stage. You may have to relate to adult children, as well as sons and daughters in-law. You will also have to deal with taking care of each other in your old age and coming to terms with separation, loss and death.


Building a loving marriage and family
Tips for a complete marriage

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