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Building a Loving Marriage and Family
By John Ooi Peng Lee
All of us search for happiness. But where do we hope to find it? Some look for it in material wealth. The richer one is, the more one possesses, and the happier one is supposed to be. Yet there are enough examples of rich, famous and apparently successful people who have sought suicide to end their unhappiness. “Wealth = Happiness” is but an illusion. Money can certainly make our lives more comfortable but it will not necessarily buy us happiness.
Love is...
For husbands
Marriage is...
A gift is...
Living and loving...
Love is…
What is love? This word has been used so loosely and in so many instances – I love to eat ice-cream, I love to watch TV, I love soccer… - that its true meaning has been lost. Love is more than the warm, fuzzy feeling of endearment felt for another. In many instances, love is accompanied by “nice” feelings but these come and go quickly. After some years of marriage, the initial, nice, strong feelings will subside. In a strong, healthy marriage, however, the couple’s love will not subside with the feelings, but will instead have grown into a more mature type of love.
Self-centredness can sometimes masquerade as love. Let me illustrate with the example of a man who is strongly attracted to a woman and enjoys dating her. This man, however, does not really love the woman because he is more concerned with the enjoyment that he gets from her company, rather than meeting her needs as a person.
So what is love then? Love involves the giving of oneself to another. It could be in the form of one’s time, patience or humility. The giving of one’s time is, in fact, more difficult than the giving of expensive gifts and objects that money can buy.
How can husbands and wives practise giving in in their daily lives? Below are some tips on how they can nurture and strengthen their love for each other:
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For husbands…
• Help your wife with the household chores
• Make the effort to struggle out of bed to tend to a very young child in the middle of the night so that your wife can get more sleep.
• Make the effort to accompany your wife when she shops although you would rather relax at home.
For wives…
• Make the effort to end your shopping trip early so that your husband can watch the football match on TV.
• Try to show interest in your husband’s hobbies.
For both husbands and wives…
• Keep cheerful and do not retaliate when your spouse is upset and has just made an irritating or hurtful remark.
In all of the above instances, there is some form of giving and self-sacrifice. Love is clearly a decision to give and sacrifice for the good of the other.
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Marriage is...
If love is giving, then what is marriage? Marriage is a total gift of oneself to one’s spouse, and an acceptance of that gift by the spouse:
“To you, my spouse, I give my life, my love, and my faithfulness. For you, I will give all my effort to become a more loving person, a better spouse and a better parent to our children.”
The total gift of oneself is also known as commitment. A person who wants a successful career will have to work hard and be committed to his job. Similarly a good marriage will require the commitment of both partners to work at resolving difficulties.
Marriage brings with it difficulties because two persons are trying to share one life together. Many find it easier to withdraw or ignore the problem (until the next quarrel anyway!) than to work at resolving it.
A couple’s willingness to work at difficulties is a sign of their commitment to each other. While commitment does not solve all marital problem, it does provide a very good environment for solving problems, because both partners have the determination to endure troubled times and work through difficulties to improve their marriage.
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A gift is...
What is a gift? It is something that is given unconditionally. One should not expect to take back a gift or have it returned if things turn out contrary to one’s expectations.
The concept of gift and marriage as a total gift of oneself seems to be lacking today. At best, couples see marriage as a partial gift – “I will give you a part of myself in exchange for…, but only so long as our relationship works fine.” When this happens, marriage is no longer a real gift of oneself, but merely an agreement or a contract that can be revoked.
Such couples who are prepared to take back their “gift” of themselves start off at a disadvantage. Their marriages are more likely to fail because they are less likely to work hard at solving their problems.
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Living and loving…
In summary,
• Loving relationships require giving and sacrificing for the good of others; and
• Marriage requires our full commitment or the total giving of ourselves.
Below are some ways to help us put the above ideas into everyday practice:
• We cannot give what we do not have. If we want to give the very best of ourselves, we have to develop humility, self-mastery and other personal virtues.
• We have to make it easy for others to love us and give off themselves to us. We can do this by encouraging and being appreciative of their efforts. It becomes difficult when we are critical and judgmental of their actions.
• Just as we should give ourselves unconditionally, we should also accept our spouse’s gift of herself/himself unconditionally. We should accept and love them as they are – virtues, defects and all – and even if they do not change and “improve” as we would like them to.
What would marriage and families be like if all of us tried to live in this way?
Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 3/95
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