Tips For Parents To Enhance Grandparents/Grandchild Relationship

In the past few years we have many parents requesting suggestions about ways to help their children and their own parents have a close and meaningful relationship.

Surprised? So often we hear the opposite, grandparents who complain that they do not have enough access to their grandchildren. Why, we wondered, were these grandparents so uninvolved with their families?
According to many parents, not only were they missing their parents' involvement, so were the grandchildren too. One young mother sadly complained that her own father lived two blocks away yet never took the time to spend more than an occasional hour with her children. When I spoke with this grandfather he said that he didn't want to "meddle" in his daughter's life. He thought that he was doing his daughter a favor by allowing her to be "independent."

Here is one of the most frequent reasons for grandparent/parent non-involvement: lack of communication. Many parents are hesitant about asking their own parents to be more involved because they feel guilty about doing so. "My parents have worked hard all of their lives," a young father told me. "I don't have the right to ask them to get involved in mine." The truth is, however, that parents do have a right to at least ask their own parents for time and attention. Parents are parents for all of their lives, and grandparents too, when that time comes.

Another common reason is that some grandparents don't want to become involved even if they are asked. As one uninvolved grandmother said, some grandparents prefer to be "independent." "I raised my kids and now I want time for myself," she told me. Her son thought she was "very selfish and self-centered." Under these circumstances the only thing an "abandoned" parent can do is to involve a third party - a friend, a clergyperson, a therapist - to sit down with the family. At the meeting allow everyone to express their feelings and their point of view. Then come to an acceptable understanding. Usually everyone's love for the children involved can bring folks together.

Distance is a most difficult problem. Many grandparents' hearts are often willing but transportation costs are too expensive. People just have to make the best of a bad situation. We received a letter from an overworked young mother, whose own parents live too far away to help out, who is seeking someone "local" to grandparent her children. Another such mother wrote asking, "I have no one to watch my daughter after school, do you know anyone in this area who would like to be a grandmother to her?" We have even received several letters from children asking if we could find them a grandparent.

Talk about heartbreaking! That's' why we started the grandparent-grandchild summer camp. We have found that when grandparents and grandchildren can spend a week together, without external distractions, they can indeed forge a close attachment that lasts over time. This is one experiment that worked!

The most frequent roots of the problems of close-by grandparents who are uninvolved lies in misunderstanding and lack of communication. The most important tip that we can give to any parent is to make your needs known to your own parents. And if the children are old enough, have them make their own needs known to their grandparents. Be direct and open with your feelings. Indirect and roundabout communication gets nothing done, all it does is foment anger, frustration and disappointment. Hold a family conference. Sit down with your parents and state your case. If you want your own parents more involved as grandparents, then sit them down and say so.

When grandparents are willing but do not live close by, the remedy is clear: the family must decide to give a high priority to having grandparents and grandchildren spend as much time as possible together. This means that the financial resources of the family must be pooled to make this happen. Again, a family conference is in order. Establish a family policy that recognizes the reality of distance, make a commitment to try to be as close as possible, and develop a plan to deal with the reality of distance the best way possible. If they can't come to the grandchildren, then send the grandchildren to Grandma and Grandpa's.

If the family conference doesn't work, and parents are still left frustrated about getting their own parents to be "real" grandparents, then it's time to bring out the heavy ammunition. If you state your case clearly and it is ignored, recruit a "mediator" - a family friend, clergyperson, even a professional therapist - to intervene. Go to this person with your parents, state your case and work out a plan to have them become "real" grandparents.

After all, how can your own parent resist you saying that you love them enough to want to be closer, and to have them enjoy and love their own grandchildren?

By Dr. Arthur Kornhaber