Why Do you Fall in Love
Anyone who has fallen in and out of love will be able to relate to the out-of-this-world feelings of being in love and the incurable heartaches following a breakup. What then is this seemingly magical and powerful emotion that drive us both to heights of ecstasy and depths of anguish? How do you explain the times when you thrive on minimal sleep and food only to proudly proclaim, “I am in love and I have never felt better!”?
Nature’s Love Potion
According to Patricia Love, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Hot Monogamy, Mother Nature has programmed our brains to release a certain hormone known simply as PEA that creates these feelings of euphoria we enjoy tremendously when we fall in love with someone.
Influenced by nature’s “love potion”, our heightened senses allow us to notice every minute detail of our object of desire, enlarging every admirable quality and responding with compassion to any undesirable flaw. In addition to creating this incredible state of bliss, PEA also lowers your innate defenses provoking impulsive and regrettable acts like bearing the pain of body piercing and tattoos as proof of one’s love and commitment. For the umpteenth time, we have heard from celebrities and friends of how they tried to erase these images that once professed their expressions of love when the relationships ended. Such is the result of fools in superficial love!
Growing in Love
How then do you progress from being a pair of hormone induced lovebirds to a caring and committed couple? With some help from Mother Nature, falling in love can be easy. Being in love, however, requires us to grow in love individually. A successful relationship must move beyond the initial feelings associated with infatuation to have as its foundation a reality-based love.
The trick to this lies in the relational skills including good communication habits, effective conflicts management, and empathy needed to keep love and passion alive. It may be a frightening process because it is about learning to trust someone wholeheartedly. As much as we yearn to be loved, we too must learn how to love. In a loving relationship, we are everyday teachers for each other.
When we expend so much time and energy to grow in love, we are creating for ourselves a haven, where we find safety and comfort. It is only with a trusting and faithful partner who genuinely encourages you to develop your interests and talents that we are then able to explore the world and try new things. Ironically, partners grow closer when the relationship permits autonomous growth.
The Reality of Love
Many of us wear rose-tinted glasses in our pursuit for love. Yes, 
love can fuel great deeds so long we are able to understand and unravel the mysteries to form a reality-based love relationship that is long-term, mutually satisfying and allows us to grow and develop into better people. A truly good relationship is emotionally, physically and spiritually beneficial and this could be an ecstatic experience. On the contrary, a miserable relationship can be hurtful and damaging to our souls. Lori Gordon, author of Passage to Intimacy, found that at the heart of intimacy lies the ability to confide in a loving partner who is able to relate to you on different levels of intimacy.
Love means to…
- Embrace the differences and take it as an essential part of growing
We are often shocked when we finally see the differing other and start to become picky, irritated and critical.
Become the source of safe haven that makes us feel empowered.
We want to feel secure in love relationships. While we can wait for the other to create one for us, why don’t we become a source instead?
Know yourself and be real, confident, personally happy and contented.
Lovers want to be loved and desired for who they are, not because you need the other to complete your unfinished development.
Give a gift to yourself and your partner.
Find out what your partner desires and give it as a gift. Treat yourself likewise.
Invest in your love relationship to earn daily interest.
It is easy to take our partner for granted when we have formed the relationship. Don't wait for things to turn sour.
Love can be supported.
Successful couple relationships often benefit from support extended by family and circle of friends.
By Lynn LAN
Lynn Lan, a family life educator who is committed to helping people achieve personal mastery of happy, enriched and lasting relationships. In her professional role, she is the Training Director of the Family Resource & Training Centre, a non-profit organization committed to strengthening and nurturing families in Singapore.