By Jonathan Ng

Mrs Wong was at her wits’ end. “It’s my song Beng Huat,” she confided. “No matter what I suggest, he’s against it. Whenever I ask him to do anything, he grumbles, argues, or outright refuses. If I try to ignore him, he goes all out of his way to pick a fight. He’s only 15, and I don’t see how I can live through three or four more years of this. Sometimes I think he spends every waking minute figuring out ways to annoy me.”

I listened sympathetically and tried to help explore some options open to her. Whether Beng Huat really wanted to annoy his mother, I don’t know. But after an hour of conversation, I was pretty sure that Mrs Wong was spending most of her waking minutes planning how to out-manoeuver him.

Maybe you’ve had similar struggles. Something goes wrong. You try to discuss it with your teenager. You try to discuss it with your teenager. You get only exasperated looks. You try to talk some sense into this youngster. You feel the warmth rising round your collar. You exchange angry words. Your teenager stomps out and slams the door. You feel helpless.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Parents and teenagers can learn to talk to each other –believe it or not – like civilized people. They can even learn to show respect and love.

Communication is made up of two basic processes: listening and talking. Let’s look at each in turn.

Listening
Talking

Listening

We show respect for a young person and break down walls of hostility when we’re willing to listen to his or her point of view. But active listening is not easy. It takes a lot of self-discipline. Here are a few pointers:

•Give full attention to your teenager. Don’t try to read the paper or do your housework while you lend a ear. When we set everything else aside and concentrate fully on what the person is saying, we communicate that we care.

•Listen in order to really understand what your teenager is thinking and feeling. Don’t just try to punch holes in his or her argument. Don’t let your mind wander into preparing your rebuttal. At this point, your only task is to see the problem through teenage eyes.

•Check out the meaning of what you are hearing. Ask questions and rephrase what you think was intended. Not only will you learn something, your teenager too will be amazed that you are so interested.

•Find out what the information means to your teenager. Why is it important? What feelings are involved?

Top

Talking

When we listen carefully, we’ll earn the right to talk. But equal care is required here:

•Talk about the problem. Don’t attack the person, and don’t bring up a history of past mistakes. Stick to the subject at hand.

•Share how you feel about the problem, but take responsibility for your own feelings. “I feel very uncomfortable in a messy environment” is a lot better than “You upset me with your sloppy room!”

Why not try practicing these few simple communication skills with your teenager for a week? Watch what difference it makes!

Top


Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 1/96