Help your teenager cope with peer pressure
Why does my teenager listen to friends more than me?
• To form an identity of his own
Your teen will likely take his friends' views and experiment on them. This allows him to form his own ideas of life, learn decision-making skills and take personal responsibility for his choices.
• Peer groups offer emotional support
The feeling of being alone can be frightening for your teen while he is learning to live a life independent of his parents. He will tend to seek out people who share his growing pains for emotional support.
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Who is vulnerable to negative peer pressure?
A teenager who:
• Thinks poorly of himself
• Is not confident of himself
• Hangs around with gangs
• Lacks positive values
• Follows the crowd
• Is not doing well in studies
• Is losing interest in school
• Has failing relationships
• Has few friends
• Lacks supervision at home
• Is not close to key adults like parents
• Lacks a sense of purpose in life
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What can I do to build a strong foundation in my child to help him resist negative peer pressure?
• Instil right values from young
Share with your child the values that are important to you. You can use stories and examples to demonstrate your point and daily incidents to reinforce these values. Understand that your child is a silent observer, so make sure your deeds match your words.
• Build up his self-esteem
Praise your child's strengths instead of focusing on his weaknesses. When he knows that he has done right, he will feel good about himself and grow confident of his abilities. He will also feel less need to gain acceptance from his peers.
Also, acknowledge your child's efforts and don't simply focus on the final results. When he notices that you praise him for his efforts, he will keep trying.
Make sure you disapprove the misbehaviour instead of the person. Don't reject the child because he has misbehaved, or he will turn to his peers for acceptance and comfort.
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Ten tips for building up the self-esteem of your teenager
1. Accept your teen as he is, not as what you want him to be. Recognise and appreciate his abilities and talents.
2. Focus on his strengths rather than dwell on his shortcomings. Create opportunities for him to pursue his interests and develop his potential.
3. Show your confidence and trust in your teen so that he can feel confident and trusted. Avoid comparing him with others, especially when this puts him in a bad light.
4. Allow alternatives where reasonable, and give your teen a chance to choose and make decisions, especially about matters that are important to him.
5. Enhance his self-acceptance by showing your acceptance of him. When a teenager is self-accepting, he becomes more accepting of others.
6. Don't overprotect your teen. Refrain from rushing to his rescue in every "difficult" situation. Allow him opportunities to speak for himself and stand on his own two feet.
7. Avoid judging your teen by the outcome of his work. Show appreciation for his effort regardless of the outcome as this will motivate him to keep on trying.
8. Be reasonable in your demands and realistic in your expectations. If your teen feels that he can never measure up to your expectations, he will feel inadequate and develop an inferiority complex.
9. Create opportunities for your teen to experience success. Assign him responsibilities and tasks that are within his capability and help to sustain his effort to see them through.
10. Avoid extremes in control and love - too much of either can be stifling.
• Build a trusting relationship with him
When a trusting relationship is built, your child is likely to approach you for help when faced with negative peer pressure. Keep your promises to him and spend time doing fun activities together. Instead of nagging him about his past mistakes, listen and talk to him.
• Train your child to make decisions and solve his own problems
When your child is able to make decisions wisely, he is less likely to be dependent on his peers for direction.
Together with your child:
- Examine the problem.
- Make him aware of personal feelings that may affect his decision-making.
- List out various solutions to the problem.
- Consider the pros and cons of various solutions.
- Choose the best solution.
• Train your child to take responsibility and account for his actions.
When your child takes responsibility for his actions, he learns to make wise decisions and is less likely to give in to peer pressure and hide behind the security of his peer groups. Don't rescue him from consequences of his actions. Let him know that with independence comes responsibility for his decisions.
• Create opportunities for your child to make friends
When your child gets to interact with others, he will be better equipped to cope with peer pressure. Widen his social circle by bringing him to playgrounds, community clubs and relatives' homes instead of cooping him up at home. Also, encourage him to take part in his school's co-curricular activities and invite
him to bring his friends home.
• Teach your child how to handle friendship issues from young
When your child tells you about disagreements with his friends, listen and attend to his concerns instead of ignoring or discounting them. Then tell him that he should not give in to his friends at the expense of his values. Praise him for making the right decisions.
• Help your child develop a sense of purpose in life
Ask him what he wants to achieve in life and how he wants to go about doing it.
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What if my teenager refuses to heed my advice and continues to mix with bad company?
• Discuss with your teenager about his friends
Encourage your teenager to think about how his friends are affecting him. Do this when both of you are not angry, tired or defensive.
• Teach him decision-making skills (if he agrees that he is under negative peer pressure and want to do something about it)
Help him list the pressures he faces and get him to weigh the pros and cons of giving in to that pressure. Then, ask him to decide whether to resist or give in to the pressure.
• If he decides to resist the pressure
-Guide him in problem-solving
-Identify the situation that will allow his friends to exert pressure on him.
-Examine the actions he can take in such situations.
-Choose the best course of action.
-Carry out the action.
-Evaluate the outcome of the action
• Teach him to voice out his opinions to his friends when he does not agree with their behaviour
-Explain that silence normally means "consent".
-Tell him to voice his opinions calmly and to stand by them.
• Teach him to say "no" firmly
Help him to practise saying "no" to all negative requests like a broken record until he is confident of resisting the pressure to follow.
• Assure him that it is perfectly all right to flee from an undesirable situation
Explain that fleeing from danger is a sensible act and does not make him a coward.
• Continue to talk to him
(if he disagrees that he is under negative peer pressure)
• Invite him to share why he thinks he is not under negative peer pressure and listen to him without interrupting or passing judgement.
When he is done, share your views with him.
• If he insists on following the crowd, advise him of the consequences and hold him accountable for his own actions
• Let him pay for his mistakes so that he may learn from them.
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I have tried everything, but nothing works. What should I do?
• Evaluate what you have been doing
Decide which actions are helpful and which are not. Continue those that are helpful and stop those that are not.
• Review and revise your expectations of your teenager
Lower your expectations if they have been set too high.
• Seek professional help
Contact a professional from any voluntary welfare organization or family service centre.
• Do not label yourself a failure
You are still the best person to shape his future.
Ten tips on preparing your teenager for the world of work
1. Bridge the communication gap with your teenager. Don't give up at the first breakdown.
2. Get to know your teenager better. You may discover in him talents and special abilities that you did not notice before.
3. Always keep the channel of communication open. Talk with him instead of talking down to him.
4. Understand that the world of work has changed since you began your working life.
5. Catch up with changes in the contemporary job market.
6. Know about your teenager's abilities, aptitudes and interests.
7. Monitor your teenager's school performance. Assess his strengths and weaknesses realistically.
8. Understand and accept that when your teenager seeks your advice, it doesn't necessarily mean that he  must accept your suggestions and solutions.
9. Offer guidance to your teenager without imposing your own expectations.
After all, it is his career that you are helping to plan, not yours.
10. Avoid pushing your teenager beyond his capabilities. Don't insist that he pursues a particular career just to fulfil your own ambitions.
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Effects On Teenage Behaviour by the Different Parenting Styles
|
Parent type |
Parent’s belief |
Parent’s behaviour |
Teenager’s response |
|
Nurturing parent |
- Mutual respect
- I want to understand
- I must give room to grow
- I am not perfect
- We can learn together
|
- Caring
- Accepting
- Affirming
- Supportive
- Permits choices
- Allows mistakes
|
- Shows respect
- Grows in confidence
- Matures with responsibilities
- Trusting
- Willing to try and to take risks
|
|
Controlling parent |
- I must control
- I must be perfect
|
- Demands obedience
- Tries to win
- Insists he is right
|
- Feels inadequate
- Lacks confidence
- Rebels
|
|
Critical parent |
- I am superior
- I know best
- I am usually right
|
- Criticises
- Punishes
- Evaluates
- Shames and ridicules
|
- Blames others
- Feels inadequate
- Lacks confidence
- Afraid to take risks
|
|
Rescuing parent |
- I am in control
- I am superior
- I am perfect
- I am indispensable
|
- Pities the teenager
- Overprotects
- Wants to take over
|
- Feels inadequate
- Feels helpless
- Lacks confidence
- Afraid to try
|
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