Is the child on the phone again??

Do you feel that your telephone has been hijacked by your teen? There are ways to reduce the conflict and stress over this necesssary communication devise.


By Sim Ngee Mong

How many of us who have teenagers at home find ourselves constantly at odds with our children over the telephone? The telephone is an everyday household necessity – a toll to pass important messages, fix appointments and send greetings. Yet, we never seem to be able to use the telephone.

Why? Because our teenager is always on the telephone.

Many parents are against frequent use of the telephone because they feel that:

•More time should be spent on studies rather than chit-chat.
•The telephone is a source of distraction.
•Late calls disturb the other party.
•Unnecessary telephone calls are a waste of money.

The above are valid reasons but the steps that parents take to restrict telephone use are often ineffective. Disagreements over the purpose of the telephone and telephone privileges can lead to strained relations between parent and child.

What Parents Usually Do…

Let’s take a look at what parents often do to deal with the telephone problem:

Tell teenager nicely
Reason
Advise
Warn/Shout/Scold/Threaten


Tell teenager nicely

This is often the first thing parents do. How simple parenting would be if this worked all the time! Many parents tend to overuse this method. Even when they realise that they are not getting anywhere with their teenager, they continue to use it and end up being a nag. What parents do not seem to realise is that when teenagers keep hearing the same message, they tend to ‘switch off’.

Reason

When the first method does not work, parents resort to reasoning. Why not? The child is old enough to understand reason. However, in many cases, the parent would be out reasoned and feel frustrated at not being able to talk sense into the teenager. Just take a look at some of the many excuses teenagers have:
• What I do with my time is my own business
•I have done my homework and passed my exams.
•I am not disturbing my friend.
•This is the best time (late at night) for us to talk.
•We are discussing homework.
• I am not doing anything wrong.
•We should subscribe to call waiting to solve the problem of urgent calls.

Advise

When reasoning fails, parents turn to giving advice. They use words like “for your own good…your studies are more important” and “you should keep your calls short and spend more time on your studies”. They may even compare themselves with their teenagers – “During my time, I did not even have the luxury of using the phone.”

The problems that parents face with this method are similar to those encountered with reasoning. The teenager may say:
ß I know how to manage my own time.
ß Don’t compare me with you. Your time is different.

Warn/Shout/Scold/Threaten

If the first two methods have not worked, the parent is probably at his wit’s end. The teenager does not know what is good for him and will not take advice. As a parent, you must put a stop to his undesirable habit – even if it means shouting and scolding.

As with the above methods, the method’s weakness lies in the teenager coming up with excuses. But a more serious repercussion could be the straining of the parent teenager relationship. The teenager may also mimic the parent’s behaviour and learn to shout and scold back. To avoid being scolded, he may also find ways to deceive his parents such as talking quietly and using the phone when his parents are not around or asleep.

What Parents Can Do…

There is no easy solution to the problem of telephone hogging. With the Internet becoming widely available, this may be another potential source of conflict. The methods described above are commonly used by parents but often with limited success. Parents may want to consider yet another method – that of negotiation and applying logical consequences. Let’s take a look at how this method works.

Preparing for negotiation
Bringing up the issue
Sticking to the issue
Appeal cooperation and suggest ways to resolve the issue
Reach an agreement

Preparing for negotiation

Often overlooked when a negotiation takes place is preparation. For this, a few things have to be done. Firstly, a time and a place with a conducive, distraction-free setting must be set aside. Secondly, the teenager needs to be prepared by being told in advance of the discussion. In this way, you are being fair to him. The discussion will also be more productive since the teenager has come prepared. Lastly, you need to prepare yourself by being clear about the issues to be discussed. Have possible solutions and alternatives at hand and decide where you would be willing to compromise.

Bringing up the issue

This should be done in a non-judgmental, non-threatening and non-critical manner. The issue should be raised so that the teenager sees it as affecting the parent. If the issue is seen as affecting the teenager, the teenager will misconstrue the parent’s actions as interfering with his personal affairs. The telephone problem should, therefore, be painted as affecting the rights or responsibilities of the parent. For example, the parent could say that the teenager’s habit has caused him to spend more money on the telephone bill.

Sticking to the issue

Quite often, discussions get side tracked and other issues end up being discussed.

Appeal cooperation and suggest ways to resolve the issue

To ensure the teenager’s commitment to the agreed upon action, it is advisable to encourage him to come up with the solutions rather than you telling him what to do. In doing so, the teenager will be more receptive to the discussion since he feels that his views are respected. Listen to the teenager’s ideas and if there are any doubts, express your reservations and offer counter proposals if necessary.

Here are some possible solutions that you can discuss with the teenager:

•If the call waiting facility has to be subscribed to, the teenager will pay for this service with his pocket money.
•The parent will install a second phone line for the teenager but the teenager will be responsible for its bill. The teenager will now have to learn to budget and limit his calls.
•The parent will not complain about the teenager’s use of the telephone if his school work remains satisfactory, e.g. a 70% on all his tests and exams.
•A time limit will be set on the duration of each call, after which the teenager has to use the public telephone.

Reach an agreement

Before reaching an agreement, consider all possible loopholes in the negotiation and plug them up. An agreement is reached only when both sides are happy with it. Some families even formalise the agreement on paper. Keep the agreement tentative as you may want to review it in one or two month’s time.

Do give this method a try. You will be surprised by how well it works.


Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 2/97