Managing your teenager with trust
By Dr Linda Koh
“My parents don’t trust me at all,” is the constant complaint of many teenagers today. But if our teenagers are to develop into responsible and mature beings, we cannot afford to prolong the “tied-to-apron strings” process. We have to let go. Of course, there will be risks and dangers, success and failures, ups and downs along this road to maturity. But there cannot be trust without failures and disappointments during this growth process.
Perhaps, the question at hand is not really whether we should trust our teenagers. Rather, the questions that many parents ought to ask are: When can we trust our teenagers? What should we do when our teens violate our trust? How much can we trust our teen? How do we teach and encourage trust between parents and teens? Let’s try to answer these questions and explore ways to help our young people develop into mature, responsible adults.
When can we trust our teenagers?
But what should we do when teenagers betray our trust?
How do we encourage trust between parents and teens?
When can we trust our teenagers?
As teenagers move into adulthood, they have a basic need to be trusted to do three things:
•to be independent to do things for themselves
•to think and make choices on their own; and
•to be responsible with their tasks and duties
Begin by allowing your teenager to make choices. Trust them to have the ability to budget their allowance according to their needs. If they run short of cash, don’t bail them out. Let them go without until the following week. It’s important they learn to bear the consequences of the choices they make.
Provide them with opportunities to take on responsibilities, such as looking after the house for a night or weekend....>>; driving your car to a party; or picking up a sibling from school.
Its is also beneficial to help our teens see the connection between responsible behaviour and privilege of freedom. Help them to understand that if they are given a certain time to be out, it is a matter of respect to keep that. The more they learn to be responsible in their actions, the greater freedom they can have.
So parents, don’t wait or keep holding on to your teenagers. Start giving your teenagers more and more trust, more and more responsibility, until they can function without us.
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But what should we do when teenagers betray our trust?
Yes, your son or daughter has let you down, betrayed your trust. You trusted him to take good care of the car, get home by a certain hour, adhere to certain standards of sexual purity. But your belief in your teen has been violated – and it hurts.
Parents, you have two choices to deal with your hurt. You can:
•scold and lecture your teenager and put him in a box with tighter control; or
•use the broken trust as an opportunity to help your teenager learn and keep hurt from happening again.
Sit down and discuss what has happened. Ask them, “why do you think this happened? What do you think we should do now?” If you need to set the penalty do so, but once it is set we need to work toward rebuilding trust.
If the violation is very major, you’ll probably want to rebuild trust in small steps. Give your teen more freedom as he or she regain dependability. Unfortunately, many parents cut off all trust entirely. “We can never trust you again with our car! Over our dead bodies!”
Our teens are not perfect. They are still in the maturing process. If parents remove all trust after one mistake, how can our teens develop responsible behaviours and achieve good decision-making skills as adults?
Perhaps, we could learn from a father who dealt with his errant teenager who repeatedly violated traffic rules and got 5 tickets and was involved in 4 minor accidents.
Son : “Can I use the car, Dad?”
Father : “No.”
Son : “You don’t trust me.”
Father : “You’re right. In this area, we don’t trust you. We trust you in other ways but in this, it’s hard. You’ve had several chances.”
“I would like to propose a solution, son. We’re going to send you to a driving school for a while, or a class the police department holds for traffic offenders. Then we want you to drive with us for a month. After that, we’ll gradually give you more freedom in this area. But for now, we can’t afford to because there’s an insurance problem and you could kill somebody with a car out of control.”
Yes, trusting your teens means running the risk for having that trust broken. But to help them grow, you have to risk being hurt. That’s the price of saying, “I still love you.”
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How do we encourage trust between parents and teens?
Trust is indeed a precious and valuable gift, and losing it is tragic. Just how should we go about nurturing and encouraging this trust? Psychologists tell us that one of the effective ways to develop trust is to build a good relationship with your teens.
• Know your teens.
-care and respect them
-be available to your teens
-recognise their strengths and weaknesses
-spend time doing things together
• Communicate with your teens.
-demonstrate a genuine interest in what your teens say
-discuss with them your rules and guidelines
-ask for your teens’ opinion
• Be open enough to discuss problem areas with teens.
• Negotiate with teens on matters of time standards, responsibility, goal setting, TV watching, etc
-demonstrate your faith in your teen’s ability to set some of their own time standards
-ask your teens, “How much time do you think you need for this activity?”
-make them stick to their commitments
-provide positive alternatives
Remember parents, when we give our teenagers more trust and more responsibility until they can function without us, we will work ourselves out of a job. But never out of a relationship! In fact, your relationship becomes more beautiful and meaningful.
There is a risk of humiliation, failure, and rejection, but as you step out to give your teens another chance, the effects of your trust begins to work. And when trust shines brightly and your teen comes through, both parents and teens reap the rewards.
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Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 2/97a