Traits of a Functional Family
By Karen Lim-Quek
At a family workshop, one father remarked that a Singapore family is one that lives in a HDB flat but desires a condo. His 7 year-old-daughter interrupted, “Daddy, that ‘s what you want!” Everyone broke into laughter, leaving Dad feeling quite embarrassed. That idea must have been communicated directly or indirectly within the family circle, and the young member has absorbed it like a sponge. Soaking themselves into family conversations, behaviour and values, children are certainly influenced by the standards set by parents. In fact, the way a family operates has tremendous implications for how the individuals develop and function. The following are some traits of a functional family that help enhance family relations.
Strong Marital Relationship
Appropriate Bonding & Seperateness
Effective Communication
Understanding Family Rules
Strong Marital Relationship
Research indicates that one key factor to a functional family is the healthy marital relationship between parents. In such a relationship, the couple can be viewed as two holistic individuals making music together. Each person utilises his/her own skills and instruments to play their songs in tune. They are committed to each other by choice, to stand by each other “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, … till death do us part”. It is a union based on unconditional love. It takes responsibility for meeting personal needs as well as enhancing each other’s growth.
When a couple feel secure and stable, they do not need to use their children to meet their needs. In fact, they are in a healthy position to provide a model relationship for their children and offer family leadership. As a result, their children can develop and function fully. If the marriage component is not functioning well, the family members can be stressed and may exhibit dysfunctionality in their lives.
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Appropriate Bonding & Separateness
Another fundamental factor to a functional family is understanding the emotional system within the family. This includes the need to form deep loving attachments (i.e. bonding), to take responsibility for one’s own tasks (i.e. separateness) and to develop the ability to make wise and responsible choices.
Bonding is connecting positively with the family. A family member experiences bonding when he/she “matters” to the family, and can count on the family to nurture his/her emotional needs. Bonding can be developed through saying prayers or reading bedtime stories together, talking over the dinner table about the day’s events, or sharing painful instances at work or school.
While bonding is important, it is not sufficient. Family members also need to learn “separateness”. This requires each member to know his/her boundary. A boundary determines what the person is responsible for, and it must be clear and well-defined for proper family functioning. At the same time, the system has to be open to allow contact with other family members. Boundaries are therefore both limiting and permeable.
For example, a mother defines the boundary of the parents when she tells her 17-year-old daughter, the oldest of their three children, “Your father and I will decide whether your sisters are old enough to go out with their friends.” However, she may redefine that boundary to include the eldest daughter when she announces, “I want the both of you to listen to your eldest sister while your father and I are out this evening.” Thus, there is a clarification of the boundaries between parent and siblings.
A functional family, whilst close-knit, respects and tolerates the individuality and personal autonomy of its members. Members are allowed to think for themselves, state their opinions and disagree without fear.
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Effective Communication
An essential factor to a functional family is good communication. Conversation among family members nurtures caring, empathic, open and trusting relationships. Establishing bonds and creating boundaries facilitate communication as members are free to express their thoughts and feelings. With a basic respect for one’s own views and those of others, every member of the family, including small children, is seen and heard. Whilst power resides in the parents, children have their opinions and therefore, negotiations are made possible between parents and children.
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Understanding Family Rules
One other issue considered crucial to a functional family is understanding family rules. Some families forbid discussion of certain topics, while others forbid overt expressions of anger or irritation with one another. Still others foster dependency. In general, such rules are made for the family members, to help them in their growing process. These rules must therefore be clear and negotiable.
As the family evolves through the family life cycle, rigid rules that stifle maturity or cause immobility will require some modification. When children grow up, they press for a redefinition of family relationships and rules. For instance, teenagers may no longer wish to accompany their parents on a shopping spree over the weekends, preferring instead to go with their friends. They may also challenge family values and traditions. Such crises have the capacity for conflict. Unless the family is flexible and open to change, some family members will feel trapped and, eventually, the family may break down.
Just as Rome was not built in a day, it takes time and continued effort for families to function effectively. Conscious effort is needed to inculcate healthy family values and rules. Parents are encouraged first to work on their own emotional issues so as to build a strong foundation for their family. They can then build up their family on values such as love, care and concern; mutual respect; filial responsibility; commitment and communication
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Extracted from Families Today
Issue No 2/96